Seltzer Bracket: Blood Orange & Broken Dreams”
It’s over. The bubbles have settled. The Fruit War is done.
This week, we break down the final results of the Seltzer Bracket in all their sticky, citrus-stained glory. 44 flavors entered. Only one remained standing — and it might surprise you. Was it a refreshing underdog? A nostalgic juggernaut? Or a mango-tinted fever dream from the depths of the convenience store fridge?
Tony and Griff walk you through each region of the “Flavor Personality Party”:
- 🍋 Bright & Zesty — where citrus ruled and kiwi died trying
- 🍑 Sweet & Juicy — the dessert aisle meets a heatwave
- 🌿 Bold & Complex — where lavender got weird and tamarind got weirder
- 🧃 Nostalgic & Classic — soda-inspired chaos and childhood trauma in a can
We revisit some of the biggest upsets, controversial matchups, and questionable judging decisions (Griff defends “Papaya Punch” like it owes him money), and name the Ultimate Champion of Fizzy Regret.
Also in this episode:
– Tony delivers a eulogy for “Strawberry Vanilla”
– Griff invents the concept of “seltzer terroir” and immediately regrets it
– The boys debate whether anything with “Sunny D” in the name should be legal
– Listener feedback: Who hurt you, Quirk?
Drink pairing: Mighty Swell – Blood Orange, if you want to taste victory.
Listener homework: Make your own bracket at home and then immediately throw it out in disgust.
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